From the Vault: I am Smart, Outgoing and Armless

Fri, 04 Mar 2011 14:46:00 -0800

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This was originally posted in April of 2010. I’m in the process of migrating old posts over to this blog. If you haven’t seen them before, I hope you enjoy em.

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I’m a big fan of OKCupid.com. If you’re not familiar, “OKC” is a fairly elaborate free dating site aimed primarily at geeks, nerds, and all the other awkward-hot types of chicks that really do it for me. A lot of them are artists, gamers, social progressives, and tatted up hipster vegans, and some of them even have totally huge boobs. For realsies.

Sometimes when I’m bored, or lonely, or horny, or high (so… all the time) I flip through the profiles of various geeky girls and fall madly, deeply in love with whatever cute stranger crosses my virtual path at that very moment.

Jenna was one of those girls.

I grew up in the area and I hope to stay in LA when I’m done school, hopefully find a job as a computer programmer. My family is originally from Brazil and no I don’t speak Portuguese.

God, isn’t that a cute photo? Take a pretty girl, sit her in the California sun, have her make a funny face, and don’t bother to zoom out for her whole head and body, because I think we’ve seen enough to go ahead and assume that this chick is adorable.

Immediately, I rush through her personal details. She’s short, petite, still a student. Brazillian by blood, but Los Angeles born and raised. She actually aspires to be a computer programmer.

According to the site:

What I’m doing with my life
I’m currently attending university taking computer science. I was always good at computers growing up so this seemed like a natural thing for me. I took some time to learn a few programming languages that they haven’t actually taught us yet and it’s really helped me understand the basics of my program more.

She even lists C++ as a fluently spoken language.

I mean, what else is there to know? This girl is a nerd AND a beauty.

Well dressed, gorgeous head of hair, no arms, wonderful smile, looks like she might even have connections in the industry!

Wait. What?

That’s right, she has no arms. Not a single arm.

And this is when my entire universe crashes down on me. In no particular order, the following thoughts rushed into my head.

Computer programmer? Really?

Arch-jobs?

I have to ask this chick out. I can’t. I must. No, never.

I’m a 5. And a girl with no arms is an 8.

How did she get her hair so straight?

“So… I guess I’ll pick you up for the date?”

I’ll have to get a pedicure.

She did say her favorite sport was soccer.

She’s almost as hot as that chick I saw outside of the Middle East in Cambridge with the baby arm.

It does say “Replies Selectively” so maybe I have a chance. No, wait, I don’t.

And finally…

Just how does she take these MySpace style self photos?

Oh, I see…

Hot.

Oh, Dystopia

From the Vault: I am Smart, Outgoing and Armless

What I’m doing with my life